Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash
The Holy Family of Jesus, Mary, & Joseph
Every young couple starting on the journey of married life will set some very unattainable and unrealistic goals for themselves and their children. No one wants to burst their bubble, but we know it all works out in the end. Their parents and other wise adults can sympathize. They were there once themselves. Instead, they will just smile that goofy smile as if to say, “Come back in a year and tell us how it’s all working out.” But young couples and young parents desire and aim for the best, which is exactly as it should be. Young people should be optimistic and idealistic, filled with hope and promise, eager to test their resolve and aim high. It’s like a parachute you hope you don’t need, but which proves useful as soon as you jump out of the plane. And quoting from the film “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel,” we are reminded, ‘if it hasn’t worked out, then it isn’t the end.”
In 1954, educator and mother, family counselor and writer, Dorothy Law Nolte wrote an inspirational poem I recall seeing many times as a child at my grandparents’ home: “Children Learn What They Live.” The fact that I even remember the poem says that young people are indeed very impressionable. We pick up family mannerisms and speech patterns without any trouble. We learn the essentials of a welcoming home, an acceptable working attitude, and an outfit that will pass parental scrutiny. It appears we also pick up other not so wonderful things like prejudices, and religious or political narrow-mindedness, or both. Although we may be fuzzy on the details—like what all happened in 1776, or how to solve for the perimeter of a polygon, or under what conditions it is ever acceptable to escalate a conflict in St. Augustine’s just war theory—we are taught many lessons in childhood that stay with us and have potential to seriously alter the course of our life. You like to pick on people half your size? You must have gotten away with that a lot in childhood. You still don’t care that you miss deadlines or are late for meetings? Maybe you charmed your way through childhood, and no one had the guts to call you out. Why are you always so negative and critical? Who trampled your childhood dreams? So the work of parenting your own or other people’s children is a grave responsibility. And whether we know it or not, we are parenting someone or other, whether young or not-all-that-young. So, we might as well do a good job. Or did your parents say it was okay to hide in your room all day?
It is at home that we learn consideration when we deal with others, where we learn respect for their feelings. We learn what they like, what they don’t like, what makes them smile, what makes them cringe. We learn to depend on other’s strengths and make up for their failings. Parents set out to teach their children how to be good human beings first. So we consciously avoid the same mistakes, and follow their good example. If we thought they were too strict, we promise to be more tolerant. If we thought they were too controlling, we promise to be more trusting. If we thought they were too pushy, we promise to be more flexible. We think we learned well, then we discover we weren’t paying much attention. So it helps to be reminded now and again.
We refer to the family of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph as holy, not perfect. Mary was an only child, her parents were older. As a young woman, she was faithful, hard-working, and humble. We know nothing of Joseph’s family origins, but we learn from the gospel he was a just man. And from the way Jesus turned out, we can be confident he learned well the important lessons of life in the home of Mary and Joseph.
The scripture lessons we read from Sirach and Paul’s letter to the Colossians may have elements that belong to another time and place. But they may have some relevance even in our day. Sirach promises God’s rewards for honoring our parents—forgiveness for our sins, a listening ear when we pray, and long life. We should remember that honoring our parents is one of the ten commandments God gave Moses on Mt. Sinai and is the only commandment that comes with a promise. “Honor your father and your mother, that you may have a long life in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”
That passage from Paul to the Colossians can be a perennial obstacle for some people. The first part, which we should probably pay closer attention to, speaks of our need for “heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, bearing with one another, forgiving one another … and over all these, put on love.” Now if that prelude guided our attitudes and our actions, the second part shouldn’t trouble us. Be subordinate, love, avoid bitterness. This is addressed not just to wives, but to husbands as well. And like I tell couples at weddings, if you’re keeping score, no one wins. In fact, you both lose. So children should obey, but parents shouldn’t provoke. If we were more attentive to our part and less to everyone else’s, if we lived our Christian discipleship more sincerely, we would better reflect God to one another and see God in each other.
The story of Jesus’ parents fulfilling their religious duty in the temple tells how they wanted a normal life for their child, much like every parent. Then taking the child, the old man Simeon blessed God, as his parents looked on in amazement. But he also spoke troubling words of dark days ahead, images his mother would likely recall when they came to pass. And while parents make every effort to shield their children from danger, it helps them even more to give them the tools for when they face challenges life presents. We can only protect young people so much. Eventually they grow up. And if they are patient, loving, forgiving, and resilient, it should all work out in the end.
It is really those things we don’t see coming that will show us of what we are made, things like illness and random violence, accidents and natural disasters, other people’s bad decisions, and every intolerance and prejudice. When we are unwilling to forgive, when we are unwilling to give others the benefit of doubt, it shows our lack of faith in our merciful God. And our lack of faith takes away our trust in the goodness of others. What we learn in childhood about ourselves, the world, and God shapes the people we grow up to be. But we cannot teach others well if we have not learned well. And if we are the Christian disciples we claim to be, we will be better prepared for challenges that come. We are always learning. And the more relevant lessons are less historical facts, or mathematical formulas, or ethical principles, but rather that we are created in the image and likeness of God, that the values of the gospel surpass all other values, and that God desires we become more like him in all things. Lately I worry for the children of Gaza and Israel, and Ukraine and Russia. But I believe it all works out in the end because God is hard at work. And if it hasn’t worked out yet, it isn’t the end.
Rolo B Castillo © 2023